Thursday, October 30, 2014

Watch Out: Autumnal Pumpkin Pillows Post Sitting Hazard

Ask a guest you hate to have a seat.
We are officially in Fall! I would be totally excited, except for the fact that it's still about 80 degrees here in L.A., all my boots are still in storage, and I can't wear a sweater without it becoming a sauna situation.

Plus, even in this heat, we must tolerate the Fall Decor. Perhaps nothing sums it up better than McSweeney's classic essay, "It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers," but I shall try to add to the Fall decor dissing peanut gallery. After all, it's pretty easy pickings: just check out these pumpkin pillows from Gump's.

First off, they are, indeed, autumnal in color. Such rich reds, yellows, ochres, and greens. They are also that very practical fabric, velvet (actually, cats don't like velvet and won't claw it, so I suppose it really is a practical fabric, even though, in this case, I wouldn't mind my cat batting one of these monsters across the room). And, the crowning glory are the real pumpkin stems growing from these jewel toned puffs. Yes, they have been scavenged from real pumpkins and reattached, Re-Animator style, to the pillows (in honor of Halloween, perhaps). Don't they look like real pumpkins? No?

I'll tell you what these puppies really are: a sitting hazard. Imagine innocently wandering into the living room and unceremoniously flopping onto the couch. But, instead of landing on the couch itself, you plummet onto one of these pillows, realistic stem up. Ouch. Actually, worse than ouch. More like, a trip to the emergency room, looking just like an autumnal baboon. Try explaining that away to the doctor on call. Just try.

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