Bikini Solution

I know. It's hard to imagine squeezing a pallid, winterized, scaly frame into a bikini. But it will happen soon. And you might as well be prepared.

Now, like every woman, The Toad has bikini issues. Used to be the tops that were the problem: hardly anything fit the lack of bustage. But now, with the added ten or so pounds (fine, fifteen), it's the bottoms (with that gross hip fat rolling over), that's the new issue. Plus, I actually need a suit that stays on, since I like to frolic in the waves. Luckily I've found some great suits, through Athleta. All their suits look pretty stylish and poolside worthy, yet they're made of tough stuff and are designed for real aquatic activities. The top and bottom pictured are what The Toad ordered and loved (honestly, it looked great and there was no disgusting pinching of flesh anywhere), but there are plenty of styles and colors to choose from. Plus, the models are real, athletic women, not Brazilian pubescents with premature boob jobs. Sure, these models are in wicked shape, but they earned it by surfing, biking and running. And ordering bathing suits online means you can check them out on your body in real lighting that won't make your butt look like the surface of the moon.

Peruse your suit choices at www.athleta.com. And no, this isn't a gift for someone else. It's a gift to yourself, to make catching some rays a little less painful.